Emotional MasochismThe Boyfriend knows I’m kinky. The Boyfriend and I partake in some lighter kinky activities, he’s definitely not vanilla, but not what I was doing before we got together. I haven’t been beaten in a long time and The Boyfriend has already told me that it isn’t something that he could do to me. I am more than okay with this. However when drinking, certain (more aggressive) actions come out of The Boyfriend. Delicious dirty talk along with more rough sex ensues. Is it any wonder why I don’t mind him drinking?!

Well one of the recent escapades while The Boyfriend was drinking (and I was sober) has left a bit of an impression on my mind. He knows I love having my face slapped, something that he has never done sober, but has done once or twice while drinking upon request. Well, I was going down on him and he slapped me. We had just been through a long talk about us and our relationship that still had me a bit raw emotionally, so getting my face slapped at that point was… strange. I looked up at him, craving him to do it again. He saw that need in my eyes, “You liked that didn’t you?”. I kept my mouth shut, knowing that if I opened it tears would come out, I just nodded. I did like it, on some sick twisted level I liked it. It wasn’t like any other time I’ve been slapped before. This was different. Why? Because of what was running through my head.

This is what all men do. He just wants to hurt you. This is what all men will treat you like. You are worthless to him. You are just a hole for him to fuck. He just wants to hurt you. He just wants to hurt you.

In all of my time of being hit, being on the bottom end of the kink, it has always come from a place of strength. I’ve always come out of an experience stronger. I’ve always remained strong (even when broken down) through my scenes. I could be a sobbing wet heap of girl mass and still be the strong confident woman I always am. I remain beautiful due to that strength. But in that moment I felt weak. I was weak. He only slapped me twice. It wasn’t some huge kink scene. He was drunk and appeasing his girlfriend. If anything, I was more in control at that point than he was. I don’t want to give the impression that he did something he didn’t or that we did something irresponsibly while under the influence.

After sex that night he fell asleep quite quickly and I laid awake. My mind was running 240 mph thinking about what my in-head thoughts were in the moments earlier. I don’t believe I am an emotional masochist, although sometimes I purposefully do things or think things that I know are going to hurt me. I don’t get off on it though. I don’t derive pleasure from it. But after laying awake and pondering on why I suddenly thought the things I was thinking led me to some conclusions about myself. One of my biggest worries (in my relationship) is that I will just be reduced to a hole for pleasure. Which is funny because that thought *is* something that I get off on during sex. Another thing is that The Boyfriend is more caring, nuturing, and loving than any other man I’ve been with. He shows me on a daily basis that I am more than just sex for him. In fact, there have been times where we’ve been in the foreplay stage of things and he expresses interest in staying in that stage (of course if that is the case we’ve probably already had sex a couple times). But if I was just a girl to be used, he wouldn’t say or do the things he does. He wouldn’t put in the effort.

I didn’t cry that night. I came out of the experience stronger with more confidence in myself and my relationship. So even though I am not an emotional masochist, my moment of it led to something beautiful.

Emotional Masochism
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