Jerking Off - Male Masturbation Wiki

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Winning the war on wank – a Presidential Commission in to jerking off.

In today’s more enlightened times it is of course unsuitable to apply a device such as Stephenson’s Spermatic Truss to your errant, jerking off teenager, hell, you could even be sued. Fortunately, with the aid of a panel of experts, former President George W. Bush has been able to shed light on the tell tale signs we should all look for in teenagers jerking off.

These include:

Desire for privacy: If your boy is locking himself away in his bedroom, check to find out what is going on in there. Even if you can’t find any physical evidence, sniff the air. If it’s musky, that’s a sure sign your boy has been worshipping the one eyed trouser snake.

Depression: Sure, all teenagers are depressed, they have a lot to be depressed about, but if in addition to depression he is skulking and withdrawn, he’s probably fisting a crafty one behind your back.

Communist tendencies: It’s a known fact that all left wing under-the-bed pinkoes are flagrantly encouraging monkey spanking as a means of subversive influence in our young. If your boy expresses a view slightly left of centre, like sympathy for the unemployed, be suspicious.

Underwear check: Don’t be ashamed to line your boys up twice daily and check their underwear for give away boy sap stains. You are saving them from the fires of Hell! Hey, they should be thanking you!

Music: Is your boy into rap, punk, thrash metal or some of this other God awful ear torture they call music? All the lyrics in these so called songs are full of pernicious incitements to get your boy to jerk himself insane.

Denial: If your boy denies he is masturbating that means one of two things. He is either lying or standing up, but either way, he is jerking off.

America can sleep safe in the knowledge that former President Bush has found such an important vocation following his tenure in the White House. And to think we worried what would have become of him.